Where Am I God???

Where Am I God???

Have you ever wondered if God got it right? If you follow my blog, or my old blog “Reaching For Freedom”, you’ll know that I try to live my life for God and doing His will for it.  Recently I got married, we were both prepared to live in Houston, we prayed for work for Cliff so that it could happen but it never worked out that way. I believe therefor that God has a plan and a purpose for moving me to Lafayette, LA and for Cliff to remain here for this new season in our lives.

Where I find myself tonight is I feel the blessing and the sadness in this move. All of the obvious things come to mind, as in Cliff’s daughter had a baby this week and in the last few weeks we have grown closer and I have grown to love this new family of mine in a much deeper way. It has been such a blessing to see Cliff bond with his new grand daughter. A baby is such a precious miracle and she is no exception, she is beautiful. These are some of the benefits of staying here. My best friend is here and we get to see each other more, which is wonderful. I have family here who love me and who I love in return, and so it’s great to reconnect more frequently with them. This is all good.

However there the other side comes in to play which is the sad part, in that I miss my family in Houston, I miss my new grand daughter, she changes so much in the times between our visits. This breaks my heart. My whole life I wanted to be a wife, mother, and grandmother. It’s what makes me alive with drive and passion. It’s one of the consequences of sin in my life that I knew could happen when my world changed. That I may not get to spend the time with my grandchildren and children in the way I had planned for. This is the part that sucks big time. My son and daughter in law grow in the Lord, and it used to do my heart so much good, to see them worship and grow strong in Him. They have taken over my small group at church, this is a blessing, and part of God’s plan for them to fly on their own and in which I needed to leave them, but I so so so wanted to experience that with them… My other son and his fiancée grow and change and I’m not involved. You may say this is part of “leave and cleave” which I really do understand and I am pretty good at, but being 4 hours apart means I can’t just drop by for a visit, I can’t go out to lunch or the movies, I can’t baby sit my grandbaby, she gets to bond with her other grandmother. One of my dreams was to help look after my grandchildren if and when I was needed. I know this all sounds like one long gripe, and it probably is and I have really chased a rabbit so far.

So the reason I’m writing this blog isn’t to rant but to ask the question, what do you do when your life is in blessing but you feel further from God than you have in a long time?

When I was broken and in need, I didn’t breath without feeling God’s presence. I awoke in the morning and felt Him, went through my day and I knew He was close beside me, and the last thing I did at night was whisper I love you and thank you to my best friend and the lover of my soul. However, now I’m emotionally healed, I’ve found a new love, and I don’t live in the shadow of fear any longer yet I feel far from my friend. God is still God. He still loves me, I still love Him but I don’t feel His presence in the same way that I used to. I know it’s me that’s moved and He is still a breath away, nevertheless I feel a far off.

I miss my church, I miss my ministry, and I miss my calling.

I gave myself until the end of the year before I would jump in; I have a new husband, a new home, a new state, and a new church. I have a house to be transformed into our home. I have finances, paperwork and two households to combine and sort through. This might take longer than six months! In saying that I feel the loss of spending time with the Lord. Fulfilling His plan for my life has always involved relationships. It’s my calling; to build, strengthen and grow relationships, in myself, and in others with God.  I tried to do this through my ministry at church, in leadership, in small groups and one on one and in my photography.  I continually needed to spend time in prayer for what He would have me do, in growing me to accomplish this and in just being with Him to get to know His heart, His love and how to show this to others.

I don’t think taking time out works. I may think I need my time more but in reality of eternity, there isn’t enough time.   

In writing all that something fell into place. It’s not the doing that’s moved me away, it’s the not spending time with Him and in His word that has. Cliff and I pray together but I’ve let my personal quiet time lapse. How many times did I share with my small group that the secret to a growing living relationship that was powerful and fruitful was to spend time with the creator!

It’s not all about finding a word of encouragement for someone, or showing Him, it’s about being in His presence. One of my heroes is Heidi Baker, and one of the things she lives by is soaking in His presence. The more she has to do, and the more people she is responsible for, she knows that in her own strength she will burn out, she won't be enough, but when she takes time out just to be in His presence, the miracle happens, and time, energy, and power is created in her life, her ministry and gifting’s.   

 I need to take time out from unpacking, time out from thinking about blessing or loss, time out from worrying about the church I’m in and not in and just be in His presence, and soak Him in.  

How can you feel His presence if you don’t spend time with Him? You can’t it’s that simple… It’s not in the doing it’s in the dwelling. I miss just spending time at church laying in His presence and worshipping Him, but just because the church has a different style, and the church is bigger doesn’t mean I can’t do that. I can crank up the music, or playing worship music, or just lay and soak in His presence in my own home, I used to have a closet that I could go to where I could get away from distractions, I just have to find myself a place in my new home. I have to regain a routine where I won’t do anything else until I spend time with God first.  That’s where I’ll find my quietness of heart and hear His heartbeat again.

Lord please help me to regain my commitment to seeking you, 

thank you!!!

Matthew 7;7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God