It feels like a lifetime ago that I have written anything. I think I was just busy living my life, growing, learning, practicing all the new roles I had. I became a granny a week before I became a wife for the second time. I also became an empty nester the day after I got married. I moved house, state and church after I came back from my honeymoon and got a new job not long after that. Life became really busy. I was enjoying it to the full.
So why you may ask do I feel the need to pick up my computer and start writing again. Well last May 2021 my life changed again. Firstly I am hardly ever sick and I am rather stubborn and I really like the beach. I had been having pain for a while but I kept putting it off but after I came back from a trip to the beach with friends the pain wouldn't go away. I told my husband and to cut a long story short within a few hours I was on the operating table watching the doctors fix me after being told I had just had a heart attack. All went well after nearly dying again when I nearly bled out and I went home to heal. My husband had been trying to get fit and had been cycling for a few months and so put me to bed and went out on his bike. What happened next is what changed my life again.
When he had finished his exercise he turned to come up our driveway and clipped the back tire and it tossed him off and down into the gully. Wondering what had happened to him I found him at the backdoor with his bike. He told me he needed to sit down and that I should go back to bed. When I awoke in the morning he was in a lot of pain. I couldn't drive or lift so I called in help. He was taken to hospital where we discovered he had broken 3 ribs and punctured his lung. After a series of things that should never have happened and through neglect and incompetency He died. He was brought back to life but the damage had been done and we let him go a few days later.
We had a good life together. I loved him and he loved me and we did it well.
10 months later after another near death experience with covid and a blood clot I'm sitting outside in my backyard after a wonderful weekend worshipping God and I begin to cry. Grief is a very complicated thing. We all do it differently. I have been busy, I realized tonight that I like to be busy or I like to be occupied. I like to let my tears come but not to dwell on them. I think I believe that getting stronger means I'm coping with my emotions, I'm becoming less needy, and I'm standing on my own feet. But this afternoon as I'm breaking my heart before God, telling Him I miss Cliff, I miss loving him, I miss him loving me, I miss sharing my life with him, I miss his company, I miss everything and I'm lonely. I like being married, I like living with someone, I like sharing my life with someone. I hear the Lord whisper to me Chris I know. I still have a plan for your life, I didn't get it wrong. You still have an abundant life a head of you. Chris you need to heal, you need to be with me, I hear you, I'm with you, you need to speak to me. You need to tell me. I'm not done with you. Your life isn't finished because Cliff has gone before you.
This weekend was full of emotion. I haven't sung that loudly, I haven't shouted praise that strongly, I haven't celebrated God's goodness and power that much since before Cliff passed. I was in the Cajundome during the Let Us Worship night for more than 4 hours with a freedom I haven't felt in a long time. I felt God's joy and I felt stronger.
Then tonight after all the celebration and all the company and all the emotion I felt I'm not really sure what I felt, Cliff wasn't there to share it with, no one was there to share it with and I believe that's when I started writing this blog post. I know that I am not alone in my grief, many many people have lost loved ones. As I sat there talking to God I felt words coming to my mind. I don't know if this will be the start of me writing again but I know in the past writing has helped me to heal. It helps me sort through my thoughts and hopefully it may reach anyone out there that needs to know that they are not alone, they are not finished and that God has a plan for an abundant life for you too. He's not finished with you yet. He wants to whisper words of encouragement and love into you.
I know without God in my life I wouldn't be here. I am so grateful for Him and that we journey this life together. I can share my thoughts, my weakness, my loneliness, my emotions, my dreams, my questions with Him. I hear him listen, I hear him speak, I hear Him love. I don't know what lies a head for me. I know that I asked the Lord to lead me, I told Him that whatever He has for me that I am willing. I trust Him with my life. I trust Him with my future. I trust Him with my healing. I trust Him with my heart.
Comments
Post a Comment