Who Am I? Stop the spinning I want to get off the merry go round…
Who Am I? Stop the spinning I want to get off the merry go round…
“Today I had an awesome breakfast and spent time with my best friend, and mentor. A much-needed conversation started and continued to move into her reading scripture, giving me a prophetic word and much needed advice. Totally orchestrated by God. Let me set the scene. I shared with her my story. The today story, my feelings, emotions and heart of where I was in my thinking and being, how even though I think I am emotionally healed of my past, it keeps rearing it’s ugly head and attaches itself to my thinking causing me to sometimes over react or in the opposite extreme, to want to retreat and shut down.
Rejection is a dreadful creature!
She listened, gave advice, support and encouragement, by using examples from her own experiences. This is a woman that I love, trust, who is tried and tested and found worthy of my truth. I don’t hide, I don’t have to beat around the bush, or screen the truth by trying to make it sound better, I am able to be totally warts, and all, myself. She even listens to my wee rabbit trails along the way and manages to steer the boat through the waffle to deeper waters and creates quality time with me, which definitely fills my love tank. I appreciate her honesty, truth giving admonishments and know she has my back without any ulterior motive in her thinking. I am blessed to have her as my best friend. Even though she has a really busy life, I know when I really need her she is there. She is a treasure…
She went on to ask me the question “Who am I?" How was I going to answer that question? I began to share how I felt accomplished in my career choice and ministry, but how I was totally failing in so many other areas of my life. I felt as though I was running on empty and heading for burn out. I felt guilty a lot of the time because I was failing to get my life in order. How I kept myself rational by just telling myself it's ok I'm really busy and I will one day catch up and everything will become structured. But whom was I really fooling; I think my life is sometimes just messy! She turned to me and said, “what you do, what your ministry is, whom you see yourself as, your role as a leader, a wife, a mother, even a grandmother is not who you are!” Who you are is “a daughter of the king of kings” If you have driven in my car; I have a crown on my dashboard to remind me of this but, it seems I needed reminding that all the things I do, all the right efforts, if they don’t align themselves to God being who he is, are not righteous, and will in the end lead to death and that I am loved simply because of who I am, not what I do. I am God’s daughter.
I run around doing my best, which because I choose a hundred and one different things to do my best in, in turn leads to disorder and chaos, pleasing no one not even myself. She went on to say that I had to return to my first love. When that happened, my joy, my hope, my life would line up and instead of me trying to accomplish everything, it would allow God to work his miraculous and would be ordered. (“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way.” Psalm 37:23) I have so many dreams, but my life is not balanced and I need it to be, if I want it to flourish. My day should start and end and be with God, it’s not enough to do for him; it has to be with him. No matter how much I want to do, I accomplish nothing if I don’t spend time with my first love. The Holy Spirit is always with me, guiding me, encouraging me to know God, to be like Jesus in this world. The Holy Spirit is the spirit of God, He is the spirit of Jesus, and His sacrifice of leaving heaven’s glory, His joy, and goodness is so that He can be here with us and lead us to this.
Yes we have a great commission as Christians but we also have a calling that is very specific to us! God placed me in a family not alone and all areas need to be in balance. So my mission is to come into aligned with God’s order for my life. I see hope for my future, dreams far bigger than my own, provision for those dreams. I can’t lay them down but I can’t accomplish them on my own. This will only happen with God.”
It’s nearly the end of the year and I wrote that 7 months ago, way back in May! I have to confess that my great revelation only changed my life in portion as I continue to progress through my time way too fast, accomplishing some change which may or may not align with God’s purpose for my well being. I have tried to assign time each morning in connecting with God, but I find myself waking up and hurtling head first into all that I have to accomplish for the day. Although I know there is hope, in that God will find a way to challenge us, if we open ourselves up to what He has for us.
God in His wisdom and mercy has brought me, over the past few months, into an understanding that I over think situations, and internalize my thoughts in a way that can be destructive to my relationships and myself. I am very grateful that God doesn't leave me to work out for myself what needs to be changed and repaired. When an area of my life is out of alignment with God’s truth, He lovingly helps us. My way of thinking had become negative and harmful as I had a tendency to waste energy trying to work out what people may be thinking. I wondered what they needed me to do, what they wanted of and from me. Leading me down the path of questioning whether or not I measured up to their expectations of me! Did I let people down? Did I meet their needs, their wants or show them enough love? Justifying my insufficiency to accomplish this I tried to validate myself by querying what their motives may be! Are they saying and doing this or that for this or that reason? Compelling me to go even deeper into self-indulgence…did they even care if they showed me appreciation, respect, honor or even love? Which in turn filled me with even more thoughts that inevitably left me with feelings of rejection, and that I had no value, and was not truly loved or cared for. This sometimes happened quickly or over time but was a place I didn't want to go but had permitted myself to experience. God tells us to take every thought captive! That means that I didn't have to live that way and that there could be a change in my thinking. I believe our experiences and hurts become strong holds in our lives if we allow them to go unchecked and not dealt with. We have many layers and God wants to peel back those layers and reveal areas in our lives that need to be brought into His light and truth so that we can be delivered, healed and released into a freedom and place of joy.
My experience in my journey with God is that He never leads us to a place where He hasn't first prepared us to go, if we are willing and we believe He knows what is essential for our well-being, He will direct our thoughts, or our situation to light the way to healing and freedom. I understand we are all being influenced in what to think is important in life in so many different ways. Who we surround ourselves with, what we read, who we listen to, who we spend time with; they all continue to impact our thinking and processing of values and purpose. Nevertheless we have the power to bring these influences into alignment with God’s plans for us. There are many wonderful and important actions in life but we can’t accomplish all of them by ourselves. God says we are a body, with fingers, toes, ears, eyes, mouths, noses, and hearts, each with a purpose and function that is needed to operate in a well-balanced and harmonious manner. To operate in my calling, and gifting I want to be healthy. God has been showing me when I begin to think through eyes of rejection. I don’t need others to apologize, or to be repentant for their past actions towards me. I am not responsible for bringing others into that place that are no longer in relationship with me. I have to allow past hurts and past rejection to be released from my mind, my heart and my life. I had some how got it into my thinking that I was responsible to accomplish this and not being able to compounded those negative feelings.
Life encompasses so many layers; we often allow it to become so complicated. I’m yearning for a more peaceful, simple time, a time where I walk my life with joy in my heart. Where true freedom is a reality. God’s word when applied brings that freedom. That freedom to be God’s daughter is what I am attaining through each revelation; each layer pealed away revealing a lie that has to be destroyed by God’s truth. Have you ever just wanted to stop the spinning and just get off the merry go round? I think that’s where I am! I want time to just be in God’s presence. God’s presence is the only place I have found where everything gets ordered and in sync with what truly matters. Others truth’s may be powerful, important, life changing, impact for the world and the Kingdom of God, but if in the process you allow them to move you from having a close dependent relationship with your heavenly Father into a life that is fast becoming self reliant and too busy, who will it really benefit?
As the end of this year draws close I have hope. I have been blessed with many wonderful people in my life. My husband is my encouraging and loving supporter. I have family that continually speaks life-giving words. I will battle against the chains of rejection and those strongholds will be broken. Recognizing the signs and beginning to take captive those thoughts is only the beginning. God’s word gives power and freedom.
Romans 12:2 ESV says “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Philippians 4:8 ESV says “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Jesus said, in John 6:63 ‘The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life.’ In 2 Timothy 1:7 it says, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind!”
God in His wisdom and mercy has brought me, over the past few months, into an understanding that I over think situations, and internalize my thoughts in a way that can be destructive to my relationships and myself. I am very grateful that God doesn't leave me to work out for myself what needs to be changed and repaired. When an area of my life is out of alignment with God’s truth, He lovingly helps us. My way of thinking had become negative and harmful as I had a tendency to waste energy trying to work out what people may be thinking. I wondered what they needed me to do, what they wanted of and from me. Leading me down the path of questioning whether or not I measured up to their expectations of me! Did I let people down? Did I meet their needs, their wants or show them enough love? Justifying my insufficiency to accomplish this I tried to validate myself by querying what their motives may be! Are they saying and doing this or that for this or that reason? Compelling me to go even deeper into self-indulgence…did they even care if they showed me appreciation, respect, honor or even love? Which in turn filled me with even more thoughts that inevitably left me with feelings of rejection, and that I had no value, and was not truly loved or cared for. This sometimes happened quickly or over time but was a place I didn't want to go but had permitted myself to experience. God tells us to take every thought captive! That means that I didn't have to live that way and that there could be a change in my thinking. I believe our experiences and hurts become strong holds in our lives if we allow them to go unchecked and not dealt with. We have many layers and God wants to peel back those layers and reveal areas in our lives that need to be brought into His light and truth so that we can be delivered, healed and released into a freedom and place of joy.
My experience in my journey with God is that He never leads us to a place where He hasn't first prepared us to go, if we are willing and we believe He knows what is essential for our well-being, He will direct our thoughts, or our situation to light the way to healing and freedom. I understand we are all being influenced in what to think is important in life in so many different ways. Who we surround ourselves with, what we read, who we listen to, who we spend time with; they all continue to impact our thinking and processing of values and purpose. Nevertheless we have the power to bring these influences into alignment with God’s plans for us. There are many wonderful and important actions in life but we can’t accomplish all of them by ourselves. God says we are a body, with fingers, toes, ears, eyes, mouths, noses, and hearts, each with a purpose and function that is needed to operate in a well-balanced and harmonious manner. To operate in my calling, and gifting I want to be healthy. God has been showing me when I begin to think through eyes of rejection. I don’t need others to apologize, or to be repentant for their past actions towards me. I am not responsible for bringing others into that place that are no longer in relationship with me. I have to allow past hurts and past rejection to be released from my mind, my heart and my life. I had some how got it into my thinking that I was responsible to accomplish this and not being able to compounded those negative feelings.
Life encompasses so many layers; we often allow it to become so complicated. I’m yearning for a more peaceful, simple time, a time where I walk my life with joy in my heart. Where true freedom is a reality. God’s word when applied brings that freedom. That freedom to be God’s daughter is what I am attaining through each revelation; each layer pealed away revealing a lie that has to be destroyed by God’s truth. Have you ever just wanted to stop the spinning and just get off the merry go round? I think that’s where I am! I want time to just be in God’s presence. God’s presence is the only place I have found where everything gets ordered and in sync with what truly matters. Others truth’s may be powerful, important, life changing, impact for the world and the Kingdom of God, but if in the process you allow them to move you from having a close dependent relationship with your heavenly Father into a life that is fast becoming self reliant and too busy, who will it really benefit?
As the end of this year draws close I have hope. I have been blessed with many wonderful people in my life. My husband is my encouraging and loving supporter. I have family that continually speaks life-giving words. I will battle against the chains of rejection and those strongholds will be broken. Recognizing the signs and beginning to take captive those thoughts is only the beginning. God’s word gives power and freedom.
Romans 12:2 ESV says “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Philippians 4:8 ESV says “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Jesus said, in John 6:63 ‘The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life.’ In 2 Timothy 1:7 it says, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind!”
Comments
Post a Comment